Booting up, the main thought being that it’s free, so at least I’m only wasting time if it’s shit.
Fiddle about with login details for 15 minutes – who knows what my bloody password for Smite was?
Music sounds a bit Overwatch-y.
Get kicked into a tutorial with Soldier 76. Wait, sorry, “Viktor“. He’s Russian. Totally different
So we get abilities with cooldowns, a primary weapon with infinite ammo but a limited clip, and an ultimate that doesn’t get lost when I die.
Wonder what abilities vodka-toss over here gets? … Oh. Great start that. I love it when one of my defining “abilities” is fucking iron sights.
Eh, at least his ult isn’t aimhacks. Instead it’s a bloody orbital barrage. Likes shouting out that he’s using it too.
Okay, done with that, now the menu. They have skins, loot boxes, and I’m starting to get a sinking feeling.
Tutorial’s finished, so let’s check out the champions.
Huh, they actually have some variety. Dragon with a rocket launcher and a jet pack, Grim Reaper guy with a six shot revolver, high-pitched girl who can turn into an icicle to block everything and heal, a knight with a laser shield to block damage… Okay, now I’m starting to really lose hope.
Eh, suppose at least they have a living bomb. Kind of cool.
One match. I’ll give it one match.
First match, who in Christ should I pick? I guess support, since everyone else is going damage. Like Overwatch. Christ, save me from look-alikes and fad-riders.
We’ve got a furry, Groot, angry goblin shaman, wood face, and clickbait. Well, the video that got me here showed off fan-lass herself, so at least I know what she can do.
Create illusion, illusion heals people, I shoot stuff, and I can make the illusions suicide as bombs. Okay, that’s kind of interesting.
Items? Okay, so we’ve taken a LoL turn (let’s hope the players aren’t cancer). I dunno, less damage to me. Sounds good.
Riding horses to the front line, okay that’s also nice – at least I don’t have to slog my slow arse all the way across the map after I die like the scrub I am.
So there’s a midpoint. Gotcha. Enemy team ahead, let’s see how this thing plays.
Five matches later
Ride to the front lines, but wait behind a wall – my team’s not worked out the quickest way to the front yet, but there’s no way I can run in on my own.
Illusions at the sides of the point entrance – heal up our own Ruckus whilst he takes fire. He’s the only tank on our team, so I need to stick by him for the most part.
Teammates are here now, let’s peek around the corner and… Fuck.
Enemy Barik‘s already set up sentries and shields on the point, Makoa is standing there like the braindead lump of shell he is, Buck‘s jumping around like a madman, and Ruckus and Grohk are set up nicely behind their fellow meatshields.
Our Ruckus runs straight in; he’s an idiot. Gets mown down within about 5 seconds even with the heals I’m giving, but at least Kinessa’s covering the point entrance enough for me to pop out and shoot like hell.
Pip goes down – Makoa hooks him into the central killfest as he’s trying to flank. At least he’s trying.
Right, I’m doing jack shit here, let’s clear the point. Suicide my illusions – they float in and blow the hell out of Grohk. Pip must’ve smacked him one before he got mulched.
More illusions up and exploding – nobody’s around to heal, so might as well send them straight in.
Our Drogoz is raining fire from above (just as soon as he figured out how to use the sodding jetpack), and Kinessa seems to be hitting half her shots, so she’s better than most other snipers I’ve seen in the intro games.
Keep shooting, pick off the Barik and Ruckus. I feel a little bad for getting the final blow, but I’ve been shooting as much as the rest of my team I guess.
Buck fucks off somewhere with a Hulk jump, leaving Makoa battered and alone. Our Ruckus and Pip are here again, so we storm in and finish him off. Point’s ours.
Now it’s time for the payload. Still don’t get why they call it Siege (it’s just KOTH and then Payload), but it’s cool to have the outcome of the mid fight decide who’s pushing the cart.
Minor resistance until we get to the last archway – then shit starts to hit the fan.
Their spawn’s now right around the corner, so they don’t just drip-feed into us one-by-one, they actually have a chance to (accidentally) work together again.
Not only that, but my whole team’s charged forwards to chase kills, leaving muggins here all alone to push the cart. Ying‘s squishy – if the enemy team had any brain it’d take no time to push me out and have the payload at a stop.
Thankfully, they don’t.
Teammates wipe, and we get sent into overtime. Not a huge fan of how quickly overtime goes in this game – only chance we have is for me to practically shag the cart’s arse whilst not dying until my team gets back here.
Behind the cart, but it stops. Someone’s on the other side, stopping it from moving.
It’s Buck. With Barik’s turret behind him.
Except they don’t seem to see me. Are they that blind? Either way, the Barik’s on low health. Kill him, and I might be able to dodge Buck enough to buy time.
Two illusions. Send them in. Barik goes down and Buck gets singed, but he’s still up.
Christ, now it’s ring-around-the-fucking-rosey.
Lucky for me the 6-foot-no-brain-pile-of-shotgun-shells can’t work out which is my illusion, and which is me. By the time he does, he gets Drogoz’s fist up his arse for the pleasure.
Christ, that was a close one. This game’s awesome!
Probably won’t do too well when it’s out of Beta and people learn the basics though – that Buck was a moron.
Still, pretty happy with saving that match. Always good to go against 5 other people and beat them with the odds against you. Awesome feeling.
Originally published on secretcave.co.